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Thursday, August 04, 2005

Search for the Best Jewish Joke

Steven I. Weiss is running a search for the "best Jewish joke". Though this is not really up my alley, I do have two, one on the dumb side, one (I think) kind of clever. The dumb (but funny) one:
An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back! , and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."
The clever one:
Two beggars are sitting side by side in St. Peter's Square in front of the Vatican. One has a cross in front of him. The other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? You are at the center of the Catholic World. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a 'Star of David' in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."
Feel free to post your own jokes in comments.

Related: I, II


Blogger Shifra said...

The second one was new to me, very funny!

Here's one paraphrased from Jackie Mason:

Did you hear about the new line of home exercise equipment made especially for Jews?
It comes with hangers already installed on the handlebars!

9:50 AM  
Blogger Krum as a bagel said...

I guess I dumb and not clever. I vote for #1, #2 I don't get.

10:13 AM  
Blogger orthomom said...

LOL. The two beggars were Jewish brothers, who were in cahoots. The one with the cross got all the donations out of spite for the one with the Jewish Star, and then they split it.

10:22 AM  
Blogger Jameel @ The Muqata said...

Orthomom: If you have to explain it to Krum, then its not as funny!

BTW - I loved #2 - heard #1 a long time ago.

10:55 AM  
Blogger and so it shall be... said...

On my first date with my wife, we were standing in line wqaiting to get into the statue of liberty. Despite knowing each other for years, the pressure of being on "a date" led to an uncomfortable gap in conversation. So I said, "Know any good jokes?"

She answered: "People tell jokes when they have nothing else to say."

We're still talking about that one.

12:47 PM  
Blogger orthomom said...

""People tell jokes when they have nothing else to say."
Um, SW, is that a commentary on the other posts I put up today?

12:48 PM  
Blogger Krum as a bagel said...

SW: great story. My rule is that if we ever talked about traffic on a date, it was over.

12:50 PM  
Blogger and so it shall be... said...

"is that a commentary on the other posts I put up today?"

uhhhh...so, OM, know any good jokes? (no the prayer thing was good, and the vaccination is one of life's dogmas that, while interesting, has no answer.)

"if we ever talked about traffic on a date, it was over."

....as in 'never go out again', 'end the date', or were you just fortunate to never get to talking about traffic?

1:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This one is a tad dated, but is still one of my favorites.

George Bush (the first one), Mikhail Gorbachev, and Yitzhack Rabin are sitting around a table discussing the future of the world. (I said it was dated didn't I?)

An angel comes down from heaven and announces to the three of them that the holy one is so pissed off with the way the world is going (thanks in large part to the 3 men in the room) that (s)he is going to destroy the world in 3 days. Bush, Rabin, and Gorbachev decide to end their conference early and go home to warn their respective countries.

Gorbachev goes back to the USSR and announces:
"I have bad news, and awful news. The bad news is, there really is a god. The awful news is that god is destroying the world in 3 days".

Bush goes back to American and announces:
"I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that there really is a god. The bad news is that god is going to destroy the world in 3 days"

Rabin goes back to Israel and announces:
"I have good news and i have great news. The good news is, there really is a god. The great news is, this will never be a Palestinian state."

As I said, dated.

1:32 PM  
Blogger Krum as a bagel said...

"....as in 'never go out again', 'end the date', or were you just fortunate to never get to talking about traffic? "

As in 'never go out again' (although I might make exceptions for extreme hotness).

1:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hee hee. These were both new to me, although #2 is very reminiscent of a Sholom Aleichem story, "The Competitors" ("Concurenten"). Thanks for the smiles, Orthomom.

A guy is walking down the street when he looks at his watch and realizes it has stopped. Luckily, just ahead he sees a store with a large display of clocks and watches in the window. He goes in, holding out his watch, and says to the man behind the counter, "Excuse me, can you fix this watch?"

"Me, fix a watch? No, I don't know anything about repairing watches."

"What do you mean? Aren't you a watch repairman?"

"A watch repairman? What gave you that idea? I'm a mohel."

"A mohel? Then what are all those clocks and watches doing in the window?"

"What do you want I should put in the window?"

1:59 PM  
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