Bullying in Our Schools

The latest blogbuzz is all about Rabbinic abuse in our Yeshivas. And while that is a very serious topic, and one that certainly needs our full attention, there is another form of abuse that goes on in our schools on a daily basis, one that - while it is admittedly not quite as potentially detrimental to the psyches of our youth as molestation - still poses an enormous obstacle to the self-confidence levels that our children will need to function in the world for the rest of their lives. That scourge is bullying.

The boy who got teased every day during recess for "throwing like a girl".

The girl who was passed notes in class that read "You're fat!"

The child who would find out, every Monday, that a large group of her classmates would get together every Sunday - and pointedly never include her in their plans.

The boy who got punched repeatedly in the stomach every day on the long, unsupervised bus rides to and from school - and warned that if he "tattled", it would only get worse.

Who hasn't been witness to a bully in action? Who hasn't brushed off the bullying behavior of an older sibling to a younger sibling by saying "boys will be boys"? Or the exclusionary behavior of one girl to another as "girls will be girls"? Therein lies the problem. The social acceptability of the abusive behavior of bullying (and make no mistake - bullying is a form of abuse) creates a situation where the bully is not just allowed to continue with his/her behavior - but implicitly encouraged to do so. I can tell you from first-hand experience that the only parents I know who are concerned about bullying in school are the ones whose kids are being bullied. I have yet to hear a parent complain to me about how their child is a bully, or how they are upset by the bullying that goes on by other children towards their children's classmates. The willful, ignorant, or subconscious denial toward this type of behavior on both the part of teachers and administrators as well as parents is just mind-boggling.

The bullying that goes on in our schools is rampant. Woe unto the child who is poor at sports and gets three strikes for the losing out. Or the short, scrawny kid who is just begging to be pushed from seat to seat down the aisle of the bus like a pinball. Or the kid who the Rebbe made the mistake of commending for his exemplary behavior, causing the class bullies to take it out on the "goody-goody" (due to resentment? Jealousy?) during recess. But this post isn't simply about physical bullying, though that certainly goes on, most commonly among boys - though it can occur, albeit less commonly, among girls as well. But anyone who has girls can attest to the extreme mental cruelty that goes on between young girls. The exclusion of certain kids from playdates, the shutting out from recess games, the unshared secrets, catty comments about a girl's dress or appearance, or, among boys, the taunts toward a child who displays a lack of athleticism - all of these are forms of bullying that can undermine a child's self esteem for many years to come.

I think awareness has to be raised in every single school about bullying and its potential consequences. I believe every school should implement a zero tolerance policy towards any type of bullying, whether physical or verbal. We, as parents, need to be able to rest assured that our children are being sent to school as a safe haven, not as a place where they are going to be humiliated and degraded - or taught that it is at all acceptable to do that to others.

Here is a list that I found online that enumerates some signs that your child might be being bullied. I am aware that most are common sense - but common sense never stopped anyone from missing signs of abuse, especially with a child that doesn't speak up.

• Comes home with torn, damaged, or missing
pieces of clothing, books, or other belongings;
• Has unexplained cuts, bruises, and scratches;
• Has few, if any friends, with whom he or she
spends time;
• Seems afraid of going to school, walking to and
from school, riding the school bus, or taking part
in organized activities with peers (such as clubs);
• Takes a long, “illogical” route when walking to or
from school;
• Has lost interest in school work or suddenly
begins to do poorly in school;
• Appears sad, moody, teary, or depressed when he
or she comes home;
• Complains frequently of headaches, stomachaches,
or other physical ailments;
• Has trouble sleeping or has frequent bad dreams;
• Experiences a loss of appetite; or
• Appears anxious and suffers from low self-esteem.

If you fear or have any information that your child is being bullied, is bullying others, or that bullying is going on in your child's school, call the school. Get involved. Ask the administration what rules and guidelines they follow to prevent the peer-to-peer abuse from becoming rampant. And while you're at it, ask about the guidelines they have in place to prevent teacher/student abuse.

It's your right to ask, it's your right to know.