Distressing Dispatch on Kiruv

Avraham points me to an upsetting piece in Dei'ah V'Dibur, taken from a talk "given by the Rosh Yeshiva of Yeshivas Beer Yaakov about the danger of dialogue and connection with those who have cast away Torah and mitzvos."

In truth, there are some who think that we need to speak to them and discuss all these matters with them, and to see where we have a common denominator. For after all, we are brothers. They think that drawing our hearts closer together is a great mitzvah.

However, we see an amazing thing in recent years. The more the chareidim draw close to them, the more their desire to uproot religion grows. In all matters that the chareidim entered into a discussion with them, their demands only increased. On the contrary, it is precisely in those areas that they know we have no intention of compromising about and would never enter into negotiations about, that we have had siyata deShmaya to succeed.

We must remain with ours and they with theirs. There is no place for kiruv and discussion in matters of Torah and mitzvos. Our life style is not a subject that is open for discussion, argument, or compromise. Our brothers who are erring in their ways have no way to understand our path in chinuch, which is according to the Torah. What can be understood from speaking with them about this? Only a negative influence could result from this, G-d forbid.

Even in the methods of educating for proper behavior and derech eretz, one could think — incorrectly — that there is no difference between the way of Torah chinuch and the secular educational system, and in this we may discuss things with them. However, this is a bitter mistake! Our derech eretz and our culture do not come from good chinuch in these matters. Rather, everything comes from the Torah and our erring brothers have no understanding of this at all.

Now, I can fully understand the idea of feeling that not every member of the Charedi community is strong enough in their convictions to attempt dialogue with those who are non-observant. But to hold a blanket view that is completely anti-Kiruv is just so sad, in my opinion. Yes, there are anti-religious people in the world, and there is a chance that if they came into contact with a member of the community that is doubtful or wavering in their beliefs, that person could be easily convinced to "walk" from the Charedi lifestyle. But to present this as an across-the-board piece of advice to an entire community? That is just so painful to me. I have many friends that are Baalei Teshuva. They are inspired and valued members of their community. In many ways, they are more deeply and spiritually religious than many of my friends who were raised observant. Myself included.

Are we to extrapolate that they are negligible in their contributions to our community? I refuse to do so. I can understand the limits of immersing oneself in Kiruv activities. I would not be rushing, for example, to send my young teens out, alone, to parties given by their non-Orthodox counterparts with a mission of "being a light unto others". That would be hopelessly naive. But I will continue to do as I have been doing all my life, and remain involved in Kiruv to the degree that I feel comfortable. I will continue to invite non-Orthodox friends and colleagues from my office or my husband's for Shabbat meals. Nothing makes my children glow like being asked to "show the ropes" to an adult who for once, knows less about their ritual and beliefs thean they do. Every step of the Mitzvot that we perform on a Friday night such as Kiddush on the wine, Hamotzi on the Challah, and Birkat Hamazon takes on more meaning for my family as we are required to explain the basis and meaning of each throughout the meal. My children are forced to take the weekly Divrei Torah taught to them by their Rebbes and teachers in school, and translate them in a way that makes it that much less rote of a performance. And you know what? Every time I do it, every time I welcome those who are less observant than we are into our home, I feel closer to my religion. When I see a newly religious person struggling through the Birkat Hamazon with so much concentration or a person with no background in Judaism reading it in English, focusing on the meaning of the words, it just makes me say it with more concentration, and appreciate every word more than I find myself doing on a regular Shabbat meal when it's just my family, or when I host friends that have been raised Orthodox.

Kiruv is not simply something we do to help others, It is something we do for the benefit it provides to us as a family and to our spirituality.

To say, as quoted in the piece above, that from attempting to be Mekarev Rechokim, "only a negative influence could result from this" is a very narrow view, when all the positives that I outlined above are taken into account. I know that such views are popular in segments of the Charedi world. I detest them nonetheless. I consider myself blessed to have been raised in an Orthodox lifestyle. I view it as a privilege for myself and my children to share our blessings.