Magazine Madness

Sometimes I post about the extreme levels of conspicuous consumption that goes on in my community - but then I come upon items like the ones I posted about here that make me realize that maybe this neigborhood isn't quite as bad as I thought. Well, this time, it's a website. Conde Nast publications has started a site for one of it's newer publications, Cookie magazine. According to the site, Cookie magazine is geared to people who are interested in "Mom style, kid culture". But this presumedly inadvertently hilarious feature, all about "Tips and tools to give your kid her coolest coif ever" is really, er, hair-raising in its vapidity. The feature has a few different hairstyles that the magazine's editors apparently recommend for the toddler set. One has this description accompanying the fashion shot (of a three-year old male model, I might add):

On the playground, hair roughed up with a glob of gel is visual code for cool.

I was thinking more along the lines of "On the playground, hair roughed up with a glob of gel is visual code for children as an accessory for striving, fashion victim parents".
The hairstyle comes complete with directions on how your little three-year-old budding Vidal Sassoon should maintain the look at home:

For best results, have him rub no more than a quarter-size dollop of gel between the palms of his hands and apply to damp hair from roots to ends.

Um..."have him"? Is it just me, or does anyone else think it's highly unrealistic to expect a child who has barely overcome the trials and tribulations of toilet training to "rub no more than a quarter-size dollop of gel between the palms of his hands and apply to damp hair from roots to ends"? I mean - my son has never had any problem rubbing other matter, such as food, between his hands and into his hair at that age - but that's probably because of the reaction it gets out of me. If it was expected of him, I'd imagine he'd feel entirely diferent about doing so. And can't you just imagine the playgroup scenarios that might ensue from hair gel on a toddler? Like, "Mommy, Timmy's poking me with his hair again!" or "Mommy, why does my hair taste funny? It burns my mouth!"

This line is a good one:

To keep your kid from squirming his way to a too-choppy do, De Leon suggests you pry yourself away from him and let the stylist take control. "The fewer distractions the better—and that includes mommies, daddies, grandparents, and cameras," she says.

Right. Forget separation anxiety. Who cares if you "pry yourself away from him" and leave your kid wailing in the stylist's chair? The important thing is that he isn't traumatized by, say, a bad hair day or something like that.

Another choice tip:

Combination shampoo-conditioners were custom-built for busy boys.

No. That can't be right. I thought not taking showers was custom-built for busy boys. At least the normal, red-blooded, busy boys that I know.

But wait! There's more!

The feature goes on to recommend kid-friendly stylists around the country. Some examples:

Salon Monet
176 Newbury St., (617) 425-0009.
All ages. $25 and up; average is $30 for boys, $40 for girls.

Very kid-friendly; all stylists are experienced with children. Owner Shellee Mendes does a lot of first-time tints and highlights for girls from ages 10 and up.

Highlights? As in hair dye? On 10-year-olds? There must be some kind of law against subjecting a tween to hours under the dryer.

More salon recommendations:

Ouidad Salon & Curl Education Center
37 W. 57th St., 4th floor, (212) 888-3288.
Ages 2 and up. Starting at $115.

While pricey, the salon deploys a specialized curl-specific "carving and slicing" technique to reduce excess volume, and first-timers spend at least an hour with stylists learning how to care for their hair. "

An hour with stylists learning how to care for their hair? I can't get my daughter to spend a minute learning how to take care of her homework, her knapsack, or her jacket.

Absurdities. Utter and complete absurdities.

Count me out for a subscription.