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Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Magazine Madness

Sometimes I post about the extreme levels of conspicuous consumption that goes on in my community - but then I come upon items like the ones I posted about here that make me realize that maybe this neigborhood isn't quite as bad as I thought. Well, this time, it's a website. Conde Nast publications has started a site for one of it's newer publications, Cookie magazine. According to the site, Cookie magazine is geared to people who are interested in "Mom style, kid culture". But this presumedly inadvertently hilarious feature, all about "Tips and tools to give your kid her coolest coif ever" is really, er, hair-raising in its vapidity. The feature has a few different hairstyles that the magazine's editors apparently recommend for the toddler set. One has this description accompanying the fashion shot (of a three-year old male model, I might add):
On the playground, hair roughed up with a glob of gel is visual code for cool.
I was thinking more along the lines of "On the playground, hair roughed up with a glob of gel is visual code for children as an accessory for striving, fashion victim parents".
The hairstyle comes complete with directions on how your little three-year-old budding Vidal Sassoon should maintain the look at home:
For best results, have him rub no more than a quarter-size dollop of gel between the palms of his hands and apply to damp hair from roots to ends.
Um..."have him"? Is it just me, or does anyone else think it's highly unrealistic to expect a child who has barely overcome the trials and tribulations of toilet training to "rub no more than a quarter-size dollop of gel between the palms of his hands and apply to damp hair from roots to ends"? I mean - my son has never had any problem rubbing other matter, such as food, between his hands and into his hair at that age - but that's probably because of the reaction it gets out of me. If it was expected of him, I'd imagine he'd feel entirely diferent about doing so. And can't you just imagine the playgroup scenarios that might ensue from hair gel on a toddler? Like, "Mommy, Timmy's poking me with his hair again!" or "Mommy, why does my hair taste funny? It burns my mouth!"

This line is a good one:
To keep your kid from squirming his way to a too-choppy do, De Leon suggests you pry yourself away from him and let the stylist take control. "The fewer distractions the better—and that includes mommies, daddies, grandparents, and cameras," she says.
Right. Forget separation anxiety. Who cares if you "pry yourself away from him" and leave your kid wailing in the stylist's chair? The important thing is that he isn't traumatized by, say, a bad hair day or something like that.

Another choice tip:
Combination shampoo-conditioners were custom-built for busy boys.
No. That can't be right. I thought not taking showers was custom-built for busy boys. At least the normal, red-blooded, busy boys that I know.

But wait! There's more!

The feature goes on to recommend kid-friendly stylists around the country. Some examples:
Salon Monet
176 Newbury St., (617) 425-0009.
All ages. $25 and up; average is $30 for boys, $40 for girls.

Very kid-friendly; all stylists are experienced with children. Owner Shellee Mendes does a lot of first-time tints and highlights for girls from ages 10 and up.
Highlights? As in hair dye? On 10-year-olds? There must be some kind of law against subjecting a tween to hours under the dryer.

More salon recommendations:
Ouidad Salon & Curl Education Center
37 W. 57th St., 4th floor, (212) 888-3288.
Ages 2 and up. Starting at $115.

While pricey, the salon deploys a specialized curl-specific "carving and slicing" technique to reduce excess volume, and first-timers spend at least an hour with stylists learning how to care for their hair. "
An hour with stylists learning how to care for their hair? I can't get my daughter to spend a minute learning how to take care of her homework, her knapsack, or her jacket.

Absurdities. Utter and complete absurdities.

Count me out for a subscription.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I spoke to one of the meshulachim who came to my door and he was collecting so his 4 y/o could have the zchus of going to Ouidad Salon in anticipation of her first day of school.....

5:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

But it still costs more to get a sheitel cut and styled ;-)

6:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don' we have our own versions out here??

6:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Funny. And sick at the same time.

6:52 PM  
Blogger Orthonomics said...

Oy! This is so ridiculous I don't know whether to laugh or cry. My boy gets his hair cut at Mommy's Salon. At this age they are just way too young to spend that type of money on.

8:24 PM  
Blogger mother in israel said...

I can't get my 2.5yo to keep a barrette or ponytail in for more than 2 minutes. I'm sure she'd be happy to spread gel all over it though. She cuts her own hair though so that's a big savings. :P

5:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This has kept me laughing at it's absurdity. Maybe I should subscribe ;)

6:58 AM  
Blogger sheva7777 said...

funny, I just got my daughter her first haircut for $15 and I thought it was a bit much since she doesn't have much hair and the reason I was getting it cut is because I was hoping it would stimulate some growth (she is 3 and her hair just does not grow.)

the weird thing is that she made the woman blow out her hair. My 3-year old threw a fit when she saw curls. not only that, but every day since after her bath she wants me to blow out her hair. I don't because who in this world has the time or pateince for that (even with her sparse hair). She started to leave me alone during the week if I blow it out for shabbos. How insane is that!!! At least it only takes 5 minutes. But I am afraid of what she is going to be like at 15...oy!

10:32 AM  
Blogger Scraps said...

Aside from the fact that the whole article is absurd in the extreme, they also ignore the fact that a lot of kids won't like the fact that all the style products make their hair stiff. Goodness knows, I hated gel and mousse and hairspray until I was halfway through my teens; I can't imagine trying to force that stuff on a toddler.

11:05 AM  
Blogger Orthonomics said...

My mother is still cleaning the hairspray off the wall from the 80's. Why introduce your walls to foreign substances any earlier than necessary?

11:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think this magazine is worth subscribing to. For a few dollars you laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh. Definitely worth shelling out the few bucks.

11:54 AM  
Blogger BagelUndertheCouch said...

hahahaha, this was hilarious, thank you for posting it.

2:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this is pretty frightening

Chavez Says U.S. Empire Will Soon Fall, Calls Bush 'Devil'

11:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

tell me what needs to be

Chavez Says U.S. Empire Will Soon Fall, Calls Bush 'Devil'

12:09 AM  

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